Blank Canvas

So many times, as of late, I have sat down to write this post, to convey the words in my head, the feelings in my heart, to capture the moments, to paint a picture of this year. Yet, sitting here, I'm still struggling to verbalize those thoughts and feelings.

We've had a really great year in many ways. We traveled to see both sides of our family, and we said goodbye to a most beloved grandfather. We received help via the schools, doctors, specialists, counselors, therapists, and so forth to get our children the help they needed, as well as us. We continue to have food, clothing, shelter, heat, ac, water, and in short, all the necessities of life. Beyond that, we have cell phones, a computer, two running vehicles, and too many luxuries to name. We have jobs. We are richly blessed with family and friends that support us and pray for us when we need it. We know of Jesus Christ. We have family traditions. We have three little boys that love us.

On the flip side, we have struggled more than I ever anticipated. When I reflect on 2011 and compare it to 2010, it feels very strange to me. I thought 2010 proved difficult. After all, our children and myself received six surgeries, we maxed out our crazy expensive insurance, our home flooded twice, I had a car accident on Christmas Eve, and our home was supposedly broken into twice (Christmas Eve and Christmas Day--long story). I would say those were pretty significant trials.

This year, however, our trials occurred inward. Although we struggled to meet the financial obligations associated with our medical expenses, most of our struggles stemmed from within our souls. Mental anguish, questions of "how", and other soul-searching occurred.

I know we are not yet tried as Job. I also know that given the experiences of this year, each was accompanied with rich blessings. However, I'm swayed to say that I would add "suffering" to our list of words for the year (Others include: calm, steady, motherheart, and endure).

Our trials proved great to us and molded us in new fashions. If you would have asked me about the events of this year and the likelihood of their occurrence in my lifetime/our marriage, I would have laughed. I wouldn't have believed you. Now, that we are here, at this very milestone, I'm rethinking things a bit.

I'm trying to view things through my sons' eyes and think as their minds do. I'm trying to be a calm sounding board for them.

I'm constantly re-evaluating expectations and what is/is not appropriate.

I'm grasping gratitude and striving to refrain from taking blessings for granted.

Balance is something I'm constantly juggling. Some weeks it's lots of service and less housework, others it's focusing on behavior techniques and not really leaving the house, sometimes it's a bit of this and that with a little bit of everything. I haven't figured it out.

I know that I do not do things as everyone else. Much of this past year and last is definitely a reflection of that. While others may have reacted to things differently, suffered differently to this year's trials, and so on, I did the best that I could. I've strived to let go of what other people think and to focus here, as well as upward. I only need the companionship of the Holy Ghost to guide me to do as Heavenly Father would have me.

I'm thinking much about President Monson's address tonight. He commented on something that has offered much food for thought. Specifically, he noted that our sacrifice must be greater than the reward that lies ahead. This is a bit of a paradigm shift for me. I've always thought we sacrifice now and give up various things for the reward that lies ahead--the reward that could only be greater than our most imaginative dreams.

What am I sacrificing now? What will I continue to sacrifice in the future?

I guess much of his quote is along the lines of "The will to win means nothing without the will to prepare." It's the baby steps that will matter most when I cross the finish line of my half. The baby steps will make the finish line joyful and a milestone in my life. The lessons I learn from running, lifting, sprinting, and "yoga-ing" it out each day will teach me far more than any medal.

What will I achieve in 2012? Did I accomplish everything I could have in 2011? Did I reach that potential?

I feel like I started the year with a set of goals I had determined were best to suit me, but Heavenly Father saw it fit to teach me other things. I have new talents that I never considered would ever describe me. Because of the challenges this year, I love my husband and each of my little children that much more.

Many things, which have occurred this year, are directly spoken of in my patriarchal blessing. It's amazing to me that 2011 could be so monumental.