Ryan and I ended up getting a Valentine's date in. He spent the weekend (Friday and Saturday) at a coach's clinic in Austin, but upon his return Saturday night, we caught a movie. We saw, "Dear John." Again, maybe it was my hormones, but I just didn't care for the movie. I was really hoping for something happier, and although, I liked some aspects of the movie, I didn't like that it was so sad. And I didn't like how Hollywood had to add some garbage to it. That ruined it for me. However, it was strange to sit in a quiet movie theatre. I almost didn't know how to act. I guess even though I hate the crazy chaos right now, in some ways it's stable for me. (Am I sounding psychotic yet?) I was really happy to spend time with Ryan, though.
I really just have such intense love for this man. He wore my favorite outfit on Saturday--pink shirt, jeans, brown belt, brown corduroy jacket, and brown boots. Aside from my attraction to him, I'm attracted to his willingness to give his all to me. He loves me. He opens doors. He listens after he's had such a long day. He will do things for my benefit, even if it means sacrificing his wants. He finishes my sentences--literally. He makes me laugh. I guess it's a million little details that when you add them up, I just have so much love for him. I feel so blessed to be married to him.
On Saturday he texted me, "Ker, you can do it. Hang in there." I texted back, "Um, do you have ESP and you know I'm insane and taking all three to the store again?" To that, "No. Just the Spirit. I love you." So many times we've had these moments where he's called at the right time or texted me, and I just know that Heavenly Father is aware of me. He's used my husband to answer so many of my prayers.
Sunday, my back was killing. It was very difficult to walk. So we're back to this page again.
Ryan stayed home with the boys, as he had a really bad headache, and we all decided it was best to get a nap in.
Well, while the rest of us slept, Matthew decided he didn't need a nap after all. Instead, he had some items to complete on his agenda--like painting the carpet. Need I mention that our home is 6 1/2 months old? I chose not to take pictures. This is not really a moment I want to remember in Allred family history. Besides, if I change my mind, the paint will still be there. We couldn't get it out.
Monday came. Phew! We survived and our children survived. We spent the day as a family. The boys played with Dad and cleaned in the morning. Then, we headed out to get some shopping done. In an hour and a half, we were able to pick up all of our bathroom stuff, our new bedding, and paint samples for the family room, hallways, our bedroom, and bathroom. Of course, we'd already picked out what we needed. Still, I think an hour and a half is pretty amazing!
Upon our return, little boys took naps, and then, played with Dad for several hours outside. By evening, though, David had a high fever, retraction in his chest, and a really bad cough. I'm not sure why this is taking us off guard so much. After sitting with Davey on the couch last night, I did a mental check with the calendar. Hmmm . . . how interesting it is that we are approaching the week of the year, when David has been hospitalized for 1 week 2 out of the last 3 years of his life due to RSV and pneumonia, and influenza and pneumonia. Why are we really surprised?
We started the nebulizer last night with some albuterol and pulmicort combination. I wish we owned a pulse-ox machine. (Is that spelled right?) Today, I'll take him in. My guess is either RSV or the flu. It doesn't sound deep enough for pneumonia too. We'll see. The sad thing is that David was supposed to fly up to CO by himself with my mom to see Pop-Pop and all of the family. Now, he probably won't be going anywhere for a while. I just hope the baby doesn't get it too. We did get blessings last night, and I'm feeling better about things.
The last thing I want to right about is something that is really difficult for me. However, I want to be honest. My mom asked me to take Pop-Pop to some of his chemo treatments when I come to Denver. I've really struggled with his sickness in a lot of ways. Some days I'm fine, and then, the next, I can't stop crying. Yet, this hit me in a whole new way.
Of course I will go. I love my grandparents so much. Both of them have been such an example to me, such a part of my life. I know this will help out my mother, and I would do anything for her.
I've wondered, though, how I will face the chemo treatment center? How will I hold it together for my dear Grammy and sweet Pop-Pop? I want to have faith and I do have faith. But how will I hold back my tears? How will I display courage when I fear that place so much? How will I face those young mothers, there for themselves or for young children, without tears? How will I face the lonely elderly, who come to treatments alone, because no one can take them?
Is it okay to cry? Does it mean I'm not brave or that I lack faith or courage? Again, I'm holding to, "In the strength of the Lord, I can do ALL things (Elaine S. Dalton)."
4 comments:
Sorry Ker! Adjusting to three takes a bit of time, I think I am still adjusting in some ways. If you want a clean, fun and uplifting movie to go see, watch When in Rome! Hilarious and totally clean and funny!! Josh and I had our first date in months a few weeks ago and loved this movie. As far as the cancer thing goes from my personal experience it is ok to cry. I remember my mom in the hospital with her second round of cancer after her high dose chemo and bonemarrow transplant. She was throwing up and bald, white as a sheet and her feet were dry. I know how much she loved having soft skin. So I turned my back to her pretended to watch tv and cried and cried while I rubbed lotion on her feet. I will always always cherish that memory and to this day it still makes me cry. I say it's better to feel. Don't bottle it up. Speaking of which, let me know when is a good time to come by for a visit! I would love to see the new little guy and get a good chat in with you!
Keri, I want you to know that even though I don't comment often, I DO check your blog often. I love how you always express your love for Ryan. The love you two have for one another is so apparent and I think it's great when you share it with the rest of the world! :)
Also, I definitely think it's ok if you cry...so many emotions are expressed through tears, feelings words cannot express. It doesn't mean you are not brave or lack faith, in fact, I think it shows just the opposite. You are so strong....thank you for your example.
Keri,you are so sweet thanks. I'm glad to know I've been missed! Isn't it amazing how much love we have for our husbands, you sound so much like Jason and I in some ways, it's great!! And I think it's perfectly fine to cry, it shows how much care and concern you have (I hope that sounds right). Thanks for always being so positive and bright!! And your baby is so sweet, your whole family is sweet, hang in there. Good luck with all of the fun new things you are going to do with your house. And I hope you can figure out something to do with the paint in the carpet.
Sorry I never comment either, but I read, worry and pray for you and your fabulous family. I don't think it is bad to cry as long as you don't cry forever. :) Call me when you're in town- I'd love to talk to you in person.
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