Periodically . . .

We like to check on the marketability of our children. Specifically, we like to see exactly how much we might be able to get if we put our children up for auction on eBay.

Today's auction includes one little boy, very handsome with sparkly eyes and a charm like none other. Though he will melt your heart with his winks and smouldering kisses, he comes with a variety of other skills as well.

For example, this child comes fully equipped with the ability to climb anything at any height. Imagine the possibilities. Do you need help reaching a book up high on a book shelf? How about something at the top of your entertainment center?

Perhaps, you are looking to decorate. We have the little man for the job. Is your brand new iMac computer lacking in color? Davey will brighten it up with some pretty markers or pens. How about your flat screen television? Maybe that would gain more attention with some beautiful drawings created by the touch of a ballpoint pen. If you're still unsatisfied, David provides complimentary services with all types of furniture (though he prefers tables, dishes, or wooden entertainment centers), carpets, walls, floors, or doors.

His newest edition to this MAD set of skills is the satisfaction he finds in creating with his hands. Butter does amazing things to floors, counters, sinks, and whatever else stands in his way. However, do not fret if butter is not your first choice. David works in a variety of materials. While butter is one of his top specialties, he also works in soap and toothpaste. Of course, if you purchase David today, he'll throw in his egg-smashing skills wherever you would like: the carpet, the entertainment center, the fridge, or the floor. You just provide him with the eggs, and he'll leave you with the surprises.

He also enjoys refinishing doors and walls with his aging / antiquing devices.

Still not impressed? This child can flush an entire roll of toilet paper down in 60 seconds flat. He can flood a sink or bathroom in a matter of minutes.

And if you're lacking in excitement, David will spice up your life with numerous phone calls to Poison Control on behalf of experimenting with medicines or substances he finds. If it's in your home, locked up or accessible, he will find it.

The best thing about this little man is that regardless of the entertainment he provides, he will tell you he loves you and kiss you upon execution of the job.

So have at it, folks. What is your bid?