Why Am I Doing What I Am Doing?

I have had many conversations recently where the same things keep coming up, and I just thought I would share because my testimony has really grown.

Lately, I have asked myself, "Why am I doing what I am doing?" Is it for the praise of man? Is it so that if I'm good enough, Heavenly Father will take away my trial? Or is it because I love my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ? Do I seek to submit my will to His/Theirs? Do I just obey blindly or do I obey blindly with faith, knowing that He will work things out in the end?

As many of you know (since I always mention it), I have really struggled over the past 4-7 months. I am an OCD planner, so to act without a direction/plan has been really difficult for me. I've definitely struggled to the point of rock-bottom without Ryan. I have reflected often on where I am right now in my life both physically and spiritually. Last year at this time, my family and I were living in Logan, and actually, I was at girl's camp with my young women. I had different trials at that time. Was I naive? Or have I overcome those and moved on to take on a little more?

Three weeks ago, I was at the gym on the treadmill, sweating profusely and reading the Ensign. As I was reading, I felt so touched by the spirit. But more than that. I received clarity to things I wasn't reading about. I realized that these past 7 months have been so hard, because I, me, Keri, was trying to make a way for things to work out. I said that I had faith things would be fine and I knew Heavenly Father was in the picture, but I wasn't putting things in His hands. Since then, I have had so much peace and rest and calm in my life. I know that things are still going to be difficult and there will be trials, but the difference is that I have felt that strong, reassuring Spirit that all will be well. It doesn't matter what I want. Heavenly Father will mold my life/my family's life the way He has planned in His time.

People can have blind faith, because it's not just saying, "Okay, things will work out." It's praying and fasting for His spirit, the Holy Ghost, to communicate to our hearts that things will work out. We still don't know what lies ahead or how or when, but we do know that He will. When we submit our will to His, He will make our lives much better than we ever dreamed, and He will bless us. If Heavenly Father's hand is guiding our lives, how much more can we ask for? How can we be more prosperous than that?

I testify that these things are true. And also that Heavenly Father gives us trials to help us grow. He tests us to see if we will remain true and faithful to the things He has given us. Because He is perfect and loving, He gives us our agency. This eternal gift allows us to decide who we will serve. Do we keep trying the same things over and over again (for 7 months), serving ourselves and ultimately the path Satan wants us to take, or do we choose the higher law? Do we submit our will and say, "Okay, Father-in-Heaven, I don't have the know how. Please guide me and show me the way. I don't have a solution. I don't even know how to go about this problem, but I know that Thou does. I know Thou knows the way. Please lead me, and I will follow." I love my Father-in-Heaven and sustain Him as the one true God. I love His Son, Jesus Christ. They are the only way. I so testify, in His holy name, Jesus Christ. Amen.