Speaking of Rememberance . . .

Does this look familiar Mom and/or Diane?? David was feeling nostalgic, as this same event took place almost 23 years ago (When Nicki was born, right?) between Steven and Jenny.

Rememberance

My mind seems to be clouded with so many memories of this week from many years ago.

Particularly, I remember Monday, because of the date: April 20th.

I don't remember the day of the week, but I remember sitting in my Spanish classroom with Senior Stookesberry at Highlands Ranch High School. Within minutes of each other, students' cell phones began going off. Alarmed and against the teachers' will, they began answering them. A boy's girlfriend hysterically cried into the phone, as she crouched in the library of Columbine High School, trying to hide from Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold. He could hear guns going off on the other end and people screaming. Another girl's friend was in the cafeteria. And yet another friend hid in a classroom, hiding and waiting for someone to help them. Each student called someone in my class for comfort. We began trying to get up and leave, and that's when we received notice over the intercom that we were going on lock down and were to stay in our classrooms. It was very nerve-wracking and desperate feeling. Our school sat just 5-10 minutes away from where this tragedy took place.

Twelve students and a teacher were killed from this shooting--the deadliest high school shooting in American history and the fourth largest school shooting--and 23 others were wounded.

I can't remember if my parents picked me up that day or if I walked home, but I remember the embrace with my mother. She held me so tight, and we wept. To think that something of that nature could happen and so close to home.


My other memory takes me back to this date, but three days later, eight years ago in that very same place, HRHS, in HR, CO. I walked into my honors physics class to find Coach Wright, my softball coach, distraught and down. I wasn't sure what was going on, but I noticed that Tyler's seat was empty. Before class began, he informed us that today would be different. Tyler had taken his life on Friday, April 20th. I remember that I felt like I couldn't breathe. My heart raced, and the tears flooded.

I remember the day Tyler walked into my class. When I say that it was honors physics, I mean that it covered the first year of college-level physics. AP covered the first and second year. This class consisted of 1 or 2 juniors, and the rest were seniors. Tyler came to our class on his first day of school, much later in the semester. He was a transfer student and he was a SOPHOMORE. The teacher asked him if he was in the right classroom. Within minutes of resuming the lesson, Tyler raised his hand and very boldly asked such an in-depth question that heads turned and jaws dropped. Coach Wright wasn't sure how to respond, as he looked shocked that Tyler would even have the intellect to come up with such a question, let alone answer it. He shook it off and ignored his remaining questions for the day. As the semester went on, it became apparent that Tyler was different. He possessed such intelligence, above and beyond anyone I had ever met up to that point. It isolated him. I was often grouped with his table and his partner, Kyle. I remember no one could keep up with him. His mind was always going and people would just stare. He spoke about his music and playing by ear. He professed to be atheist. Kyle and Tyler often did not see eye-to-eye on topics.

I never made fun of Tyler. But I never stood with him either. I struggled with some of the things he said. For one, I had no idea what he was talking about, and some of the time, he just didn't seem like he was there.

Fast forwarding to his death, I remember the pain of hearing the news. My mind questioned my heart and my intentions. Why had I not personally given Tyler a reason to live? Why had I not befriended him in a way that helped him? I left the classroom and found my brother, Steven. I needed to let him know that I loved him. And I needed to escape. My mom came and took me home, and I cried myself to sleep.

That night or the next was the viewing--in this case a memorial service. I felt prompted to go, even though I didn't know Tyler very well. I fought this prompting so hard. I sat in the parking lot for some time. At last, I went in, to find that I was the only student, I believe, from HRHS to come. I spoke with his parents and immediately felt such a bond to them. I shared my testimony of the Savior, and eternal families.

His funeral came and my physics class attended together. I remember being the only student out of some 300-400 people in attendance, who wore something other than black. Many classmates gave me grief, saying that I was disrespecting his death. But I had to wear something that represented SPRING. I wore a yellow dress with purple, pink, and green flowers on it. I had found peace, and I needed to communicate that to his family. Suicide is not something I condone, but my heart gained compassion in this instance. I felt some of Tyler's pain. I considered what it must have felt like to feel that desperate, that alone, that sad, and that pained. Then, I thought of the Savior. I thought about how much They valued and loved Their precious Tyler. I thought about how They knew his heart and that They would ultimately judge him. I was immediately filled with love and compassion and charity for this wonderful boy.

Since then, I have developed such a wonderful relationship with his amazing family. I have had many opportunities to discuss the Savior's role in our lives and share my feelings about the Book of Mormon and the blessings of the temple with them. I have had the opportunity to feel Tyler's presence and feel like this was something that he wanted me to do--sharing the Gospel with them--even though he professed to not believe in God. I look forward to the day when I will get to see my classmate and friend again. This time, I will let him know how wonderful and truly remarkable he is. I will let him know of the love I have for him, because he is good and he is a son of God.

Perhaps this is a pretty heavy topic to discuss on something so simple like a blog, but I've felt the need to share this. Perhaps, this experience might strengthen someone else's struggle with the loss of a loved one to suicide or when tragedy strikes.

As the scriptures say in John 14:27, "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

On My Mind . . .

Although these moments are few and far between, they make me smile.

We continue to find plastic Easter eggs all over the house.

While standing in the check out lane in Wal-Mart, Matthew informed me of his latest dream job with this question, "Mommy, when can I sell food?? When I get big?" Ummm . . . ummm . . . apparently, it's time to stop shopping at Wal-Mart.

Ryan and I are guessing this is a moth of some kind, but we thought it was quite exquisite. We had to snap a shot. The coloring and shape is just amazing. YEA for spring--except, wait, it was in the 90's here today--I guess it's already gone.

I love spring!

"Baby of Mine"

David fell asleep in my arms today while getting his breathing treatment. I cannot think of anything more precious then holding a sweet and soft-skinned little boy close to me, indulging myself in his little kisses and hugs, and cuddling with him. There's something so rewarding and gratifying in this experience. It makes all of the messes, the screaming, the destruction, the fighting, the messes, and more messes entirely worth the effort. I love being a mom, and I love my sweet boys.

A Few Laughs

On the way home from Easter dinner at Ryan's parents, we started talking about the beautiful sunset in the sky.

Ryan: Wow, Guys! Look how pretty the sunset is! It's almost as pretty as your mom.
Matthew: (Laughing and yet in a serious tone) Mom's not pretty, Dad!

Ryan then looked over at me to see if I was laughing or crying. We couldn't stop laughing! Sometimes our kids just have those too-honest moments.

Two minutes later

Ryan: Matthew, is Mom pretty.
Matthew: Yeah.


Last night for family home evening, we had more of a family counsel discussion rather than a formal lesson. Ryan brought up how we need to be treating each other better. We discussed different ideas with the kids on how we could be a more unified family, and specifically, we discussed what the rules/consequences for breaking the rules were.

Ryan: So what do you think we should do Matthew whenever we feel like yelling?
Matthew: Hmmm . . . we could get spanked.
Me: (Smiling and yet, sad that Matthew knows what a spanking is.)
Ryan: No, we are not spanking anymore . . . ever. We do not want that in our home. How about we pray each time we feel like hitting someone or yelling.
Matthew: Or punching someone or kicking or screaming or . . .
Ryan: Yes, for all of those things, Matthew. We need to pray to have the spirit back and ask Heavenly Father to help us not to do those things. Okay?
Matthew: Allright. High five!

Five minutes later something happened, and I, Mom, raised my voice.

Matthew: Oh! Mom yelled. You need to go to your room and say a prayer, Mom.

Chuckling a little bit, and yet, feeling really humbled, I offered a prayer. Again, how much they can teach us!


Yesterday, this happened as well. Matthew, David, & I were all getting ready for lunch. I had already placed their food on the table. Then, I stood in the kitchen preparing/nibbling on mine.

Matthew: Mom, we didn't say a prayer. Who's going to say it?

Again, feeling very humbled, I called on someone to offer the blessing.

A little picture of what we've been up to . . .

Need I say more???

"Precious In His Sight"

As Ryan and I have viewed conference over the past two days, we have began discussion on little children and how much they teach us.

Two days ago, Matthew, David, and I were returning home from some errands. I had worked the night before pretty late, and was feeling the consequences. However, I chose to be grouchy. We pulled into our complex and saw the gate open. A van crept up to the gate and stopped right in front. I idled there, wondering what this driver was doing. Perhaps, he was lost. Perhaps, he was new to our community. Either way, I pulled up to the security and pressed my card to the reader. The gate opened, and the van crept once more slowly through. Then, the driver stopped right in the middle of the road.

Frustrated, I said, "Sure. Go ahead and stop. I'm not in a hurry at all."

Matthew then profoundly said, "Mom, isn't that great that we could help that man? We opened the gate for him."

My eyes began to water, as I realized this little child, so precious in His sight, taught me about how to be more like the Savior.

Another note on Matthew. As President Monson gave his closing remarks in conference, he asked the children to pray for their parents. I asked Matthew if he could do that.

Matthew: "Yeah. Sure, Mom. I'm going to teach Jesus how to do a puzzle."

"If the Savior stood beside me, . . ."

"Would I do the things I do?"

I love this song. I believe that it's a primary song, and yet, it's words are so powerful. There's much more to the song than this, but this is the part that has struck me most.

Again, I feel the need to communicate how my testimony has been effected as of late.

Monday evenings each week, we have what is called family home evening, where we have a spiritual lesson and then an activity together. This time is always designated to spend time together. Usually, we have fhe and then, put the kids to bed. Around 9:30 p.m. each week, upon her return from school and work, our neighbor, Kianna, drops by for an fhe with just the three of us.

This week, we talked about Joseph B. Wirthlin's, "Come What May and Love It." Mid-way through the lesson, our friend stopped by to help administer a blessing to Kianna, as she has been ill. The blessing was specifically for Kianna. However, as I listened to the words, I realized that an answer was given to me.

Over the past month, as I've mentioned in previous posts, I have really struggled. We've had sort of a variety of trials. Each has tested our faith. Over the past two weeks, I've found so much peace, as I've turned my burdens over to the Lord. I've felt bad about neglecting some of my responsibilities, as a member of the PTA of Matthew's school, a visiting teacher, etc. It's taken courage to face my trials, and I've done that. I guess I do that a little bit each day, as realities have set in. But . . . I've struggled with taking a break from everything. I feel like I'm ready to get back to my full self. I feel like I really do have so much peace.

That takes me back to Kianna's blessing. She was counseled to find those around her she could serve; that act would help her with all of the trials in her life. That really started my thoughts turning.

Grieving / mourning is a process. We cannot deny what is happening/happened. We cannot run from it. Confrontation is a must. However, it is not to take over. Balance in all things is necessary. The way that we keep it from taking over our lives is through the Savior. He has already suffered these things for us. He knows all of our sins, temptations, sicknesses, sorrows, etc, EVERYTHING. We give Him these things, and in return, He gives us comfort, peace, serenity, solace, and healing through the Holy Ghost. Once we've reached this point, and we feel whole again, we are able then to return to ourselves and to serve those around us. This also helps with the healing process. We are able to serve our Heavenly Father by serving those around us and meeting their needs. It diverts our focus from our own problems to those around us. As we progress, we are able to get through this process faster, because our testimonies are more deeply rooted in Jesus Christ. We trust Him more and our faith becomes knowledge, that He really did atone for us.

The other thoughts I have been having concern the young women's general broadcast. This year's annual meeting focused its theme on virtue. The young women's general president asked us to choose a symbol that would represent our personal banner of return to virtue. I hope my wording makes sense here. Sister Dalton chose a white rose, because it becomes more beautiful as it grows and for its purity. I've been thinking a lot about what my symbol should be.

Pictures--Finally.

I finally loaded these up. Thanks for transferring them, Ryan. And thanks to all my family for having us for the week. We really did have a wonderful trip. It was so fun to visit with family and friends. On our drive home, we also stopped in Lubbock to see Shea and Jessica. Thanks again! With all of the rain, we have been building lots of train tracks. And Matthew has been telling me lots of funny things, like . . .
Matthew: "Mom, I have a kangaroo in my mouth."
Me: "What???"
Matthew: "See, Mom (lifting his lip and showing me his canker sore)."

My two boys of mischief. I cannot take my eyes off of these two without something like below happening. Note: This is a mixture of soap and vascilene--compliments of our Davey. Other works of art have included, but are not limited to: toothpaste in our carpet, moving the chair over to the kitchen to get into the sink or eat cinnamon rolls (1 bite out of each outer roll) or moving a chair over to the sliding glass door to remove the high dowel rod, the low one, and get outside to throw stuff over the balcony.

Matthew's "wacky hair day" at Pearson. He loved his mohawk.

Sometimes, we find David sitting quietly looking at books. Please note: This is a RARE occasion. This boy is mostly into truck or train books and being two, it is difficult to control the level of excitement found within each page. We don't sit quietly hardly ever--unless we are watching Cars.

Matthew & David were somewhat sad not to come to the mountains, but still had fun sitting on the four-wheelers.

My sweet mom and Grammy took the boys for many walks and playdates at the park or in the backyard, while we vacationed in CO.

This picture doesn't really do much justice to the area we rode around in, but it really was majestic. I forgot about how much I LOVE the mountains. They're beauty and solace feel like home to me.

Ryan was a really good shot.

Scary is all I have to say. Seeing this picture now freaks me out and it was scary for me to shoot this weapon.

My dad hit every target that we shot at--imagine.

Our traditional coloring of the eggs.

And a hunt. Matthew kept asking where his friends were.

David was super excited for this!

Has it really been three weeks?

"In the strength of the Lord, I can do ALL things"--this quote is so much easier said than done.

I've had the opportunity over the past month and a half to realize just how much Heavenly Father's hand has been in my life. We've reflected a great deal this week, as we've vacationed here in Colorado, on the "growing opportunities" we have experienced in the first quarter of 2009. Slowing down is a necessity and stepping back to re-evaluate what your thoughts and feelings are, feels essential.

And I don't want to lay out all of the cards on the table, but I just really feel like I have so much to be grateful for.

Tonight, I had the chance to celebrate my Pop-pop's 77th birthday. He is such an amazing man. I feel truly humbled and inspired by him. Since he was a young man, he has worked hard, serving his country, supporting his family, and testifying of the truth. He works in the temple twice each week, and he is the most guile-less person I know. I can't recall hearing him speak badly about anyone. His sweet love and zest for life make me smile. His love for his dear "Grammy" and all of his grandchildren and great grandchildren brings tears to my eyes. I feel so honored to be a part of a family where such a patriarch leads us.

During the evening, I had the chance to visit with parents, cousins, siblings, an aunt, friends, and spend time with my immediate family. David and I ran crazily around the yard, yelling about the monsters that were going to get us, then hid from them, and then shot them with our amazing lazer index-finger weapons, sounds included. It was such a great time! We also had an Easter egg hunt and both boys thoroughly enjoyed that.

Earlier in the week, Matthew and I played Battleship and we've had lots of time to go for walks or talk about things without stress.

I've spent time visiting with my dear mother. Again, this is a tender subject. Words cannot begin to convey the feelings in my heart for this sweet and precious spirit. I've struggled seeing her, as reality has set in. I feared coming here because I worried that she might really have just had heart surgery. I worried about seeing the changes in her body and lots of feelings that I would have to confront. Well, I'm here, and as I've seen the flowers, the cards, the phone calls, and had the conversations, it's hit me that these things really have happened. It still feels pretty surreal, but she's here. She's here in all of her sweetness, all of her beauty, all of her tenderness, all of her wisdom, and all of the things that make her my mother. And my heart feels swollen with love for her. Again, "In the strength of the Lord, I can do ALL things."--much easier said than done.

This trip has marked some personal losses for me. I do not wish to give details, but I feel grateful again to Heavenly Father for placing me here in Colorado at this time when these events transpired. Although loss is something we all have to face at some point in our lives, it doesn't mean that it is going to be easy. But through the atonement of Jesus Christ, we can have the peace and rest He speaks of in Matthew 11:28-30. And through others, we can receive love and support. With these losses, I have needed three things: prayer, my dear husband, and my mother. I'm grateful I have had this opportunity.

On a lighter note, my dad, Ryan, and I had the opportunity to go to the mountains. I realized once again how much I love Colorado and how beautiful it is! Four-wheeling was so fun, and I even shot my dad's very intense, intimidating, and LOUD pistol. We had a great time! With the trek in mind, it hit me again about the struggles of the pioneers. I am amazed by their perseverance, determination, faith, courage, and testimonies. They paved the way for me, my family, and everyone--what a humbling blessing.

Tomorrow, I will get to go to the temple with my beloved. I can't think of a better way to end the week. The night before we left for this trip, we didn't get to bed until super late. The kids didn't go to bed until three and a half hours after they needed to, and therefore, we were up. Anyway, we got up and played cards and talked about some things. We decided that this trip was going to be non-stress. We were going to do everything in our power to exercise greater patience with our children and to be positive and happy. The 12-13 hour drive out here was by far the best drive we have ever had. We had such a great time with our children and spending time together in the car. Everyone was helpful and cooperative as a result of the extra efforts. And again, I have had so many moments with Ryan, where I have been able to see who he really is and how much I love him and why I love him. Stepping back from homelife, I don't have my blinders on. I realize again how hard he works to support our family, how hard he tries in all that he does, his laughter, how quick he is to forgive others and myself, his boy-at-heart personality, his beautiful eyes, and how he helps me and stands by me. As I have looked across the room, when we have been in a group setting, I have felt my heart flutter in anticipation of sitting or standing by him. I've had to remind myself that he married me. He actually chose me. I feel like the luckiest one. I'm so blessed to be sealed to this amazing and wonderful man. I love him.

Probably this was a lot more than many wanted to here, but that's okay. I needed to say these things. Again, I feel Heavenly Father's hand in my life. I'm grateful for the trials He has blessed me with, and I'm grateful for the path He has directed me to. I could have never imagined or planned this much happiness. Because of the trials that I have overcome, I have felt the joy of the happy moments that much more. Forever, I am in His debt.

{[-~<(Pictures to come.)>~-]}