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Long Chats With Good Friends    I am beyond blessed to have many friends in my life who care deeply enough about me to check on me, to uplift me, and just know my soul.  To be completely honest, I have struggled a lot lately.  I've been working on the "fake it 'til you make it" attitude and just putting one foot in front of the other.  I have had many fleeting moments, where I felt too scared to verbalize my thoughts on paper, because that would mean that certain truths became present.  However, if I allow myself to be completely real, at the expense of posting something raw here, things have not necessarily felt like walks through fields of flowers.

Many days, my energy is completely depleted by the time I make it to bed.  I climb in and every part of me aches, but even more so, my heart strings tug on the inside.  I go down the list of individuals I feel concern for.  I pray for them.  I plead even.  I think about the unknown part of the future, and I just have to tell myself to press forward with faith.

My heart yearns and aches for my Rachel.  I just don't know how or when she will come to this family.  I have to remind myself about the reasoning behind previous choices and the answers I received at that time.  I have to tell myself that she will actualize eventually, but not in this moment.  Until then, you get to hold so many beautiful and lovely babies.  Think about all of the sweet primary children you get to work with in the nursery.  Think about the three darlings in your home.  Your life is abundant with joy.

I am building myself up and preparing to enter the realm of full-time behavior therapy once more.  I look forward to the progress to be made and the new things we will embrace in our home.  However, I realize the work ahead.  It's humbling.

Each day, I see the choices I must make with more precision and clarity.  Through my children, the veil begins to unfold and I see how Heavenly Father is molding me.  Many battles are fought in the inner depths of my being.  I have to think about my being sent here to be tutored by these boys.  I have not yet mastered some of these characteristics and I desperately want those victories.  On the days when the various behaviors ensue, I think about my reactions and choices as a mother.  I think about how I can choose to act or be acted upon.  I think about the Savior and how He acted.

I think about the essay I submitted for that mothering contest.  Sometimes I worry that I am not enough.  I worry that my perspective on motherhood is too shallow, too abrupt, too not enough of what I should be or on a lower scale when compared to others.  I have to remind myself that my experience is unique, just as others' are as well.  I have to remind myself that I am the only person who can say I am not enough.

I plead for answers to various circumstances.  I pray for faith to endure and to hold true to those covenants made.  I ask for peace amidst storms.  I basque in the light around me.

Thanks, dear Friend, for uplifting me and your piercing gaze to the core of my soul.  You know me.  You understand my heartaches.  You understand and feel compassion.  I see things more clearly after visiting with you.  I feel renewed and ready to let go of fear and worry and replace it with faith.  You draw me in with the warmth of your voice and the care on the other line.  Distance may separate us, but we are sisters in spirit forever.